Now it’s Just a Typographical Memory

“Howdy, pard!”

How does a guy from Brooklyn become a rootin, tootin’ cowpoke who says things like ‘Howdy, pard’? It all began when I put a spur in my upper case “G.”

Yessiree, Bob. I didn’t know that’s what they called that little critter ’til I…Dagnab it. Imma gettin’ ahead of myself.

I was presenting my PhD thesis on Geoffrey Chaucer, who wrote them there Canterbury Tales. That’s some crazy-ass stories, I tell you what.

Anyhoo, I fancied-up the G in ‘Geoffrey’ on my first Powerpoint slide, when a voice from the back of…

It was Supposed to be Our Special Finger Thing

(Free From Pixabay)

I’m giving you my statement now, as honestly as I can, because you deserve to know the whole story.

It was around 6 am and my husband was still sleeping. I leaned over to give him a kiss when I spotted his phone on the nightstand. I am not usually a snoop, but I scrolled through his Facebook pages, and I couldn’t believe what I saw. He had been sexting with several women.

I didn’t find out until the police told me that sexting meant your clothes had to be off. Oops. My bad. Anyway, everyone had their clothes on…

It’s as Easy as 1,2,3

Photo by Damir Spanic on Unsplash

Hey, writer-person. Wanna be successful at writing non-fiction articles? Ask any pro and they will tell you about the always-works way to write non-fiction stories especially those “how to write” screeds that other writers can’t seem to get enough of. You’ve seen this rubric before, no doubt, so let’s get started!

1 — Tell people what you are going to tell them.

2 — Tell them.

3 — Tell them what you told them.

For example, in writing this instructive piece I am starting out explaining how I will tell you how to structure a non-fiction article. For purposes of…

Writing Tips are a Con, a Scam, a Rip-off, and Whatever Else my Thesaurus Tells Me

Listen to Me Instead, Because I’m More Writerly-Like

Image by Tumisu from Pixabay

All the writing advice you’ve been told is wrong. Pay attention to me. I have written over 322 books (all of them bestsellers except for the Charles Manson Joke Book). I also have had over 148 plays produced on Broadway and one off-Broadway, (AK-47, the Musical) and don’t even ask me about my 8 daily, mega-monetized blogs including: “Writing Limericks in Ancient Aramaic Like a Boss.” It has 100,567 subscribers not including today.

I’m like, I dunno, one of the 2 percent of writers who can actually make a living as a…

Finally, I have reached my true calling. I am the world’s most accomplished (and best loved) grave robber. I owe it all to the Japanese concept known as Ikigai.

As many Medium readers know, Ikigai is a way to learn what you should be doing with your life. Let me show you how the four principles have helped to shape my blessed and awesome lifestyle of excavating those from the hereafter.

What you are good at. How could I not be good at something that I feel passionate about i.e., freeing a dead body from its earthly prison, giving it…

(Wikimedia Commons)

Mahatma, “America’s Favorite Rice,” confirmed that it has delivered 200, 5-lb. bags of Enriched Extra Long Grain White Rice to FBI headquarters in Washington, DC to be used by investigators who retrieved thousands of waterlogged cell phones tossed into the Potomac River by rioters who threw them out of bus and car windows as they departed the nation’s capital.

“They think they’re so darn smart, discarding their phones from bridges so we couldn’t trace their movements,” said FBI spokesperson Stan Dashower. “We Googled how to get data from wet cell phones and it turns out that you let them sit…

(Fair Use)

With Twitter, Facebook and Instagram silencing President Trump and Shopify taking his products off their website, other companies are piling on.

Here is an updated list:

1 — Bed, Bath & Beyond will no longer mail 20 percent-off postcards to the White House.

2 — Domino’s is limiting toppings to two and it cannot include meat.

3 — Subway will no longer allow Trump to choose between chips or a cookie. Whatever they have more of is what he will get.

4 — Micro Center will take back the president’s free thumb drive coupon.

5 — Trump’s AARP card, which…

But I Still Shouldn’t Have Opened that Can of Worms

Image by Richard Duijnstee from Pixabay

My friend Horace, well, he’s not actually a friend, more of an acquaintance, handed me a can of worms and said not to open it.

“Why not?” I asked.

He looked at me like I had an extra head, which I often carry around to scare little kids, and said: “Because it’s a can of worms, for god’s sake. Everyone knows you’re not supposed to open it.”

Everyone but me. Apparently. But his admonition scared me enough that instead of opening the can, I set it aside and Googled: ‘What…

Don’t force us to tell your kids the truth

Image by Andy M. from Pixabay

I am the spokesanimal for Small Animals Against Anthropomorphizing® and we’re pissed off.

You people never seem to understand that every time you give us human characteristics we suffer. Life is difficult enough being a small critter without you piling on the addition of people-type feelings and then projecting your emotional issues on us. Yeah, I’m looking at you C.S. Lewis, A.A Milne, Lewis Carroll, E.B. White and Walt Dis… I can’t even say his name. And what’s with all those letters instead of first names? Ashamed? I thought so.

We have our own problems: pesticides, traps, predators, grimy kids…

Hard to say for sure, because I’ve seen a top-secret report that could destroy the United States and they’re after me

(Photo by Tayeb Mezahdia from Pexels)

To whomever (not whoever… right?) finds this letter:

If you’re reading this letter it means I’m dead. Well, maybe not fully dead. Perhaps I’m just rotting in an undisclosed government location waiting to be tortured. Well, not really undisclosed. Obviously, the federal thugs who would have grabbed me out of my bed in the middle of the night know where they put me. Come to think of it, the torture part may be overstating the case, too. At least I hope so.

Anyhoo, things aren’t looking so hot for me, a crack investigative reporter, since I saw a top-secret government…

Larry Kahaner

I have been a serious writer and journalist for decades. Now, I’m not — serious, that is. I also write about writing; it’s about the only thing I know.

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